This past summer, after my first preview of Haiti, after that week alongside the eighty gleaming kids in Maranatha’s preschool my mind had a course set. On the plane home I knew undoubtedly my next year would be spent striving to provide smiles to those children. As is human though, the high wore off, the memories dulled, the daily distractions ascended lying a fog between me and that once pounding desire to pour love into the nation of Haiti.
A single warped thought, stirred up over and over by one simple question had made the adventure to Haiti, I had been so sure of, seem futile. Curiously, innocently, friends would ask “what can be done to benefit Haiti?” As the self-absorbed human I find myself all too often to be I interpreted “What can I, James Colaw, do to benefit Haiti.” In a very scripted manner I would answer “The youth need to be poured into.” The answer seemed liberal enough to cover the bases but in reality it was nothing more than a diplomatic response, a pleasing answer to facade the fact I had no solution to offer. Due to my translation of the question it was rightful that I had no sufficient genuine retort. I have no fix for the brokenness in Haiti, the brokenness that is in all the world. Even with unlimited resources I could not change the hearts of men who opt to prey on the marginalized as to fatten themselves. Where once a passion had burned, fear stomped out the fire, leaving my desires for Haiti cold and withered.
Still the plans were set, funds raised and tickets purchased. I wrestled on my flight returning to Haiti, not knowing if I was even doing God’s will, feeling sure only failure lie ahead of me. I could not change Haiti. Knowingly God guided my mind, carrying my finger to tap my bible app and delivering my eyes to rest on 2nd Corinthians 12:10:
“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I won’t embellish it, upon reading the verse my fears weren’t instantly erased. If memory serves me well I cocked my head, confused a bit…this is not the verse I am looking for? Where was the battle cry declaring “I can do all things…”? God bore with me though, patient through my arrogance, forgiving of my confusion in regards to who knew best. As I skimmed the verse wondering why this might have sprung to mind in my moment of such uncertainty I honed in on “then I am strong.” “I” that must be a typo, I was positive it should say “He.” Sarcastically, haughtily, certainly much in the spirit of those early Christians in the Church of Corinth I thought “Guess what Paul when I’m weak, I ain’t strong I’m weak, ergo the utilization of the word weak. And yeah HE is strong through my weaknesses but God’s strength doesn’t…” It clicked. Thank you Lord for being a God who forgets the sin not the sinner, who even in the heat of my pride and idiocy loves me. As I demanded it doesn’t God stopped me in my tracks, He said my strength does.
“The Lord is my strength” I have no power to change anything for the good. All good is rooted in God, we’re just fortunate enough that He works through us to brighten our world. When we admit that we are weak, when we are willing to suffer for Christ, when we quit leaning into ourselves and trust Him to work through us, then we are strong! When we submit ourselves as servants of God not only does He empower us to do amazing things, He promises to use us to change this world for the better, to use us to bring His kingdom.
I praise God for strengthening me to surrender to Him. I praise him for the past nine months in Haiti. I’m grateful He used me to encourage the most servant hearted nine-year-old girl you’ll ever meet. That He strengthened me to help show a gangsters son a more fulfilling future. That He gave me a heart to love on the two-year-old who all too easily could be and all too often had been written off as a lost cause. God blessed me with countless shared smiles between incredible children and wonderful friends. He granted me witness into how present His love is in Haiti. He encouraged me with insight in how he’s working there through foreign missionaries and especially through incredible Haitians, who despite affluent hardships and great scarcity still pour themselves out into others. He blessed me through all of your support, prayer and encouragement.
Above all though I thank God for taking me, in all of my egotism, and helping me to be weak over and over. For helping me, no matter how I fought, to lean into him. I thank God for extracting some of my self-absorption, making room for Himself, so He could give me true strength, the strength to truly bring light into this world. As a new adventure nears, working to empower people trapped in poverty, in the city of Santa Barbara I pray that God continues to make ME weaker so I will be strong in Him.
Again to all of you who have supported me in in numerous ways, I give an immense thanks. God used you in my life and the lives of so many in Haiti. I cannot convey my gratefulness enough to you all, but I hope God reminds and assures you of the impact you all have made! Thanks!
