confusion about who I'm banking on

Her mama stretches out, fighting herself. Hesitation, a swallow, she commences. The tea bag kisses the infection. The precious two year old lets out one whimper, shakes her head trying to bury her face deeper in my shoulder. Mama's poker face has left, her expression screams self-doubt, so much it is legible: "maybe I should have checked the temperature again?", "what if Neosporin was enough?", "should I have just left it alone?" Head shakes and resolve pursues as eyes look back to the wound. The heat escapes the pouch pressed to the toddlers split elbow, grip eases and her head leaves the burrow of my arm. Instantly teary eyes look to mama steadfast, even at two she understands. "Mama loves me, that WAS for my good!" As the tea bag is secluded back into the mug and the child's hand races from my back a fascinated smile escapes me. The hand that two seconds ago gripped me with force enough to put gorilla glue to shame now reached out in request of my fellow interns arms. Before Hope had even wiped the tea from her fingertips her baby wanted back in the sanctuary of her embrace.

The pre-schoolers comprehension of love humbles. Any given day one of them will match such an act of trust. They may stare Hope in the eyes as they trod through the painful cleaning of a wound, choke down bitter medicine, receive reproach but it only takes a moment to rebound, wrapping their arms around the neck of their sister, their professor, their friend, their blon mama. Easily my head can fall after witnessing their utter assurance of love. While it is a sight beautiful and encouraging to intake, I’m left embarrassed. Not for a second do I question the faith these children put in my fellow intern, yet somehow the moment my God throws me a curve ball my knees give. How much greater is God’s love than any man’s, how much more deserving is He of my trust? And yet, how easily do I fail to give to Him, The Greatest Being ever, what these children thoughtlessly give to another human. 

The last five weeks I’ve felt trapped in a maze, strewn with hideous Jack in the boxes, as one trial after another reared their vile faces. The Tlucek’s (my host family in Haiti as well as the administrators of our preschool) left to visit the states for five weeks, placing their responsibilities, trustingly, in the Laps of Hope, Madame Sue and myself. Very quickly our eyes took in a better view of all the responsibilities Mr. and Mrs. Tlucek juggle.

During this time I lead devos most evenings, sharing the words of Oswald Chambers and some of my own thoughts. Night after night, one consistent theme wove its way into every devotion “Faith”. As I quoted Chambers archery metaphor my third night leading devotions I know God Chuckled. “God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly.” my voice stops, almost as if I knew God had something to say. “You might want to hold those words close there for a bit son.” Unfortunately, I didn’t open my ears to his warning. And as an onslaught of difficulties arose soon I felt tiny, insignificant and incapable. 

When Chikungunya struck our home, when the Haitian staff neglected their responsibilities, when the teenagers refused to comply with anything, never did the wonder cross my mind “What is God cooking up here?” I didn’t imagine to cast my worries and shortcomings on my Lord, I only expended energy in failed attempts to resolve issues alone. Before long, in ignorance and in exhaustion I bitterly questioned God in regards to his current whereabouts. ThatThat instant he answered, and the next, and the next! Sadly though he would spend the course of all five weeks answering that same question, while I refused  to surrender my attention God shouted “I’M HERE!”

Every trial we face God stands there, right arm perpendicular to himself, fist gripping the wooden arc, left shoulder cocked back leaving two fingers, like talons, suspending the string beside his eyes. He aims in line with His will, stretching us till he is sure we will reach his mark. We hurt, God knows this, just as a mother knows cleaning a wound will hurt, medicine will pry gags and discipline will bring tears. Just like a good mother though God has a purpose. He works from a perfect vantage point able to see all things. He sees the bullseye and knows it is where we belong.

I began to type “The blessing of knowing God’s plan would be immense.” But my fingers faltered. My human nature desires so greatly to know God’s plan, because frankly my human nature desires to be God. However I am not, instead I am greatly blessed to be His follower, I need not know the direction my Lord leads me, only to trust that His will surpasses all else, His design is perfect. 

Romans 8:28 assures “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…” Unquestionably The Most Powerful Being in all existence, The Choreographer of Time and Space works all towards His glory. Fortunately for us this same being loves us as his Children. When we accept that love, the gift of adoption into the family of Christ, suddenly all God does bringing Himself glory we can consider a gift. As He brings His kingdom we always can stand confidently knowing our place beside him is secured through His Son. 

In a stage of life bearing pain, change and uncertainty I pray I will rejoice in all trials. I pray my mind will not wander from the Gods promise to work all things for the good of those who love him. I pray when moments come that should leave me feeling spent, alone, unable, worthless and hopeless my arms will reach out in request of Christ’s embrace. That in these moments in His always welcoming arms I will celebrate due to my assurance in His good will and His unfailing love.